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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25498561">"Is There In Truth No Beauty?" (Personal Logs #62)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sidebyside_archivist/pseuds/sidebyside_archivist'>sidebyside_archivist</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: The Original Series</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2007-09-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2007-09-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 04:08:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,169</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25498561</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sidebyside_archivist/pseuds/sidebyside_archivist</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jealousy nearly kills a Vulcan. Dr. Jones finds out roses have thorns. And the Medusans may not be ugly--just too beautiful to bear. </p><p>
  <span class="small">Archivist's Note: This story is one part of a much larger series, the rest of which was not originally published in the Side by Side e-zine and so cannot be included in this collection. For those interested, most of the series can be found at the <a href="http://trekiverse.org/efiction"> Trekiverse New Archive</a>.)</span>
</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James T. Kirk/Spock</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Side By Side Issue 23</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>"Is There In Truth No Beauty?" (Personal Logs #62)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Note from LadyKardasi and Sahviere, the archivists: this story was originally archived at <a href="https://fanlore.org/wiki/Side_by_Side_(Star_Trek:_TOS_zine)">Side by Side</a> and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2020. We tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact us using the e-mail address on <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sidebyside/profile">Side by Side’s collection profile</a>.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Are you sure Dr. Jones won't get overwhelmed with all that testosterone?" Nyota helped Scotty adjust his collar.</p><p>"Aye, lass, she might at that, and I think Cap't'n Kirk planned it that way. Are ye not sorry ye're not invited?"</p><p>"Heck no! I hate formal dinners. Looks like the only females there besides Dr. Jones are going to be the yeomen serving them--I checked the duty roster. She's awfully pretty, Scotty, don't you think?"</p><p>"I suppose so, lass, but I'm really lookin' forward tae talkin' tae Larry Marvick. He helped design the current engines on Enterprise. Ah, but I'm thinkin' he'll be a wee bit surprised at what I've coaxed out of 'em."</p><p>Nyota laughed. "Have a good time, Scotty, I've got reports to file." After giving his medals a final tweak and making certain his plaidy draped correctly, she blew a kiss and left his quarters. She was more interested in the Medusan, but would be unlikely to get to meet him.</p><p>-------------------</p><p>Journal of Lawrence Marvick, Stardate 5690.8</p><p>I can't get through to Miranda. I've tried everything. I've gone down on my knees, on one knee, I've offered her my life, my soul, my world-- but she insists on going to that thing's world. I don't know what else to do.</p><p>None of these people understand. They see her beauty, but not the way I do. I've loved her for years--she is something special. But cold, cold as ice. The brilliant psychologist, Doctor Miranda Jones, who doesn't know how to be a woman, who doesn't know she is a beautiful woman. I want so much to show her the beauty of touch between a man and a woman. I want to show her the galaxy--and I can, if only she'll let me.</p><p>All she wants from me is expertise. I'll go with her to Medusa. I'll be there when she discovers there's nothing like human touch. Miranda, how can I make you understand? Kollos can't give you what I can. Such ugliness isn't for you, Miranda. You deserve nothing but beauty and I can give you that. Why can't you see?</p><p>-----------------</p><p>Damn Kollos. Damn the men of Enterprise--that suave Captain Kirk, that mealy-mouthed Southern doctor, and Mr. Scott--at least the Scot has eyes only for his engines. My engines. I helped design them. But they're still machines.</p><p>Miranda is a living, breathing woman. And damn you all, she's going to be mine.</p><p>---------------</p><p>Stardate 5630.9</p><p>I, Kollos of Medusan, am setting these words to record for my people's sake and for Miranda Jones, the human woman who will be mind-linked with me on my homeworld. We have accomplished much between our peoples, between Medusans and the Federation.</p><p>It is a pity we cannot get to know the crew of Enterprise. My visage drives humanoids insane. We are said to be "ugly" -- but it is a matter of perception being far different. I believe it is not so much ugliness but a sort of sensory overload. We are not entirely corporeal. That is why one Medusan--as they call us, after a mythical monster whose visage turned the beholder into stone--can speak for all. We are all together.</p><p>This contact does not extend to automatic telepathy with other species, for that we must have a go-between and we have chosen Miranda Jones. My people are peaceful and curious, and have much to offer the Federation. The Federation wishes to use our skill as navigators on starships. We need a mind-link, someone through whom to see if the equipment can be adapted to our use and our selves from humanoid sight as well.</p><p>We do not understand jealousy. Larry Marvick, who helped design Enterprise and her engines and will assist in designing our adaptations, is jealous of anything he believes comes between himself and Dr. Jones. Miranda. He does not like me. He does not wish Miranda Jones to join with Us and live among Us. He does not understand how painful she finds living with the constant clamor of her people's minds. Even my people sometimes wish to be alone, although we are never as alone as most humanoids who live only inside their own minds.</p><p>That loneliness would be too much, I think. Our communion is much more direct than the languages humanoids use. This record, for instance, will be shared in the consciousness of all of my people when I arrive home.</p><p>Jealousy seems to be rampant. Miranda Jones is jealous of the Vulcan among the crew--of Enterprise it is largely Vulcans with whom we have communicated. Vulcans must wear a device that screens out the most confusing visual images humanoids perceive of us. With their mental disciplines Vulcans are able to screen any others. This Vulcan, Spock, is a most curious individual. Like Miranda, he chose to live alone among aliens.</p><p>Medusa requested him as go-between for our people, he declined saying his life was Enterprise. I would know why, but his mind is most disciplined, only with a closer link will I be able to learn it. It is unlikely. It is a pity; we could learn much from each other.</p><p>Still, I am anxious to know Miranda Jones--but she must control her own jealousy. Joining with one who is so possessive would be too painful and so impossible. I do not think she understands she must control it to be unsuitable. My people would reject her. And that would be a pity.</p><p>------------------</p><p>"I truly intended to honor Dr. Jones tonight." Spock was perplexed. He had changed back into duty uniform and was working on reports. "I do not understand her anger."</p><p>"It's not anger, Spock, it's jealousy." Jim had also changed into uniform rather than pajamas -- sleep seemed an unlikely prospect, not unusual when Enterprise was transporting ambassadors. Trouble often seemed to accompany such assignments.</p><p>"I do not understand her jealousy of me. I am taking nothing from her. I declined her position. My life is here, with you. Although the prospect of linking with the Medusans has attractions, it would require separation from what I most desire."</p><p>Jim put his hands on his hips. "And what is that?" he teased.</p><p>"T'hy'la -- you are fishing for compliments. I do not believe I will indulge you; you know the answer very well."</p><p>Disappointed, Jim pouted briefly, "Maybe so, Mr. Spock, but I am human. And sometimes I do need to hear it."</p><p>The comm chirped before the conversation could go further, "Kirk here."</p><p>"Captain," Uhura's melodious voice began, "There's been a disturbance in Ambassador Kollos' quarters. Dr. Jones called and thinks there was an attempt on his life. She's on her way there now."</p><p>"On my way." Jim thumbed the comm, "Security. I need two men to accompany Spock and me to the Ambassador's quarters. On the double. Come on, Spock." All business again, they strode out his door and two security guards fell in behind them.</p><p>----------</p><p>Kollos recording--Stardate 5630.8</p><p>Larry Marvick has tried to kill me. As he had a phaser, I had no choice but to reveal myself. I regret the necessity. Miranda--lovely as I know her mind to be--Miranda--felt him come to me, but was too late to prevent his terrified flight from my chamber.</p><p>Ah, poor Larry! Unable to understand my appearance he went utterly mad. It seems he became convinced that I and my people were chasing him and took Enterprise through the energy barrier at the edge of the galaxy before he could be stopped. Mr. Spock notified me also that Larry Marvick is dead. The madness eventually caused his body to shut down just as it had his mind. I regret his death. Spock proposes we meld so I may pilot Enterprise back across the barrier using his body. Humanoids lack the directional sense we Medusans have.</p><p>In addition, I can easily avoid the energy field, preventing damage to this vessel. The danger is that Spock and I will be a combined entity; the link is so seductive it will be very tempting to stay merged. That would be ill for him, since he will not leave his home. It is logical. Spock has found love here. I understand now why he refused the link with my people.</p><p>Unfortunately Miranda . . . she is jealous. She will not wish it. I must make her understand.</p><p>She has no choice.</p><p>---------------</p><p>Dear Diary,</p><p>It's not fair! He can see and I can't. I can do almost anything he can with my sensor web but I can't see Kollos. Larry saw and died. Spock-- he who mocks me with his abilities--he sees. Damn him. Why can't I know what he sees?</p><p>Damn them all! With my sensors, I can pilot this ship. I could memorize the controls instantly if they would give me access to the information. Spock. He wants my place. To minimize what I have with Kollos. He can't have it!</p><p>Even Kollos is against me joining with him for this purpose. He says if I don't allow this, he will deny me. Damn Spock. First Larry, now him. They all want the only thing I want with all my heart. Why can't they see that? Why don't they care? Pity. They all pity the blind girl. Damn them all.</p><p>Miranda</p><p>------------</p><p>Kollos recording, Stardate 5631.5</p><p>I have inadvertently caused much trouble. Mr. Spock and I formed a most perfect link; such pleasure to see the people he lives and works among as he sees them, and then with the joy I was able to grant him. His own joy is hidden and deeply buried, as his people teach they must.</p><p>He is such an intelligent and disciplined individual and still young among his kind. He is fond of his human friends and very much fond of his captain--his mate. Our people have mates, but our reproduction is not the same. I spoke of his fondness for his friends, as he was apparently afraid to do. I did not breach his privacy by speaking of things between his mate and himself. I mentioned instead his affection for Nyota Uhura, she of the beautiful music.</p><p>I was able at last to see Miranda as other humanoids see her. So very beautiful. Her jealousy may have caused great grief for Mr. Spock and his mate. She was so angry. She would not believe she cannot steer Enterprise, however much she wanted it. Together, Mr. Spock and I sat at the helm and steered the vessel back to safety. Once it was done we explored the link for a little time, until Captain Kirk said we had best dissolve the link. We, especially I, were reluctant. Mr. Spock did not wish to give up the ability to express long buried affections; I did not wish to give up what I was learning about humanoids.</p><p>These shells of flesh they must live in intrigue me: they are slaves to their senses but perceive only part of reality; they are slaves to their languages, depending on them for nearly all, but barely understanding what language is.</p><p>I desired further exploration of these phenomena.</p><p>But, James Kirk was correct. Spock and I went behind the barrier guarding the bridge crew from an accidental view of my more physical self, then made a mistake which will eventually cost Spock his life as it has already his sanity. Miranda used her own telepathic senses to cause us to forget the visor that protects humanoids from my appearance. Spock saw me, Kollos. Now he is in sickbay, fighting for his sanity and his life.</p><p>Miranda does not want to help him, after all she is the cause. If she does not, however, she will never live among us. We of Medusa cannot accept her if she will not move past her jealousy of Spock. I hope she does the right thing -- for my sake and for Spock's.</p><p>---------------</p><p>Personal Log of Captain James T Kirk, Stardate 5631.5</p><p>Have I said too much to Miranda Jones? She was sitting by Spock's bedside, just watching his life force ebbing. Doing nothing. I knew she could help him, but I also knew of her jealousy of Spock's link with Kollos. Only, I don't think she understood the depths of her own jealousy.</p><p>I forced her to confront it. Was it too much, or too little, too late? Have I killed my husband? My best friend? I showed her the ugliness in her own soul---what nobody wants to acknowledge. Is she so consumed by it that she'll just watch him die?</p><p>I'll never forgive her if Spock dies. And never understand her.</p><p>I wonder if Kollos will? This may destroy the Federation's hopes of a closer alliance with the Medusans. I hope not. Can she live with herself if that happens, as well as with Spock's death?</p><p>I had to try. I can't watch Spock fade away into madness spiraling down to death. I can't reach him through the bond at all. His madness has blocked that path to him, and my mindblindness makes it impossible for me to get through. I've been trying and trying, even though I know now it's impossible for me.</p><p>Miranda is his only hope--and mine.</p><p>End of log, James T. Kirk out. Encrypt for eyes only, command alpha-beta-alpha.</p><p>---------------</p><p>"All right, Spock, this is to life--or death--for both of us," Miranda placed her fingers on the meld points. Her mind sought Spock's where it was still fleeing from the sight of that had caused his madness. She saw Kollos as Spock had seen him--colors and lights, confusing and conflicting, and the terror the ever-changing appearance seared into his brain.</p><p>Some part of Spock saw her face--distorted as Jim's had been on the bridge.He thought of further terror, and strangeness, reaching for him, trying to overwhelm him. A part of him heard voices, telling him to run, to hide--but that there would be no hiding. They would eat his soul, they whispered, chew it up and spit it out, and they came disguised wearing the faces of those he loved. He wanted to scream, to fight, but another part of him, touching the mind of Miranda, saw through the facade. And finally saw its unreality.</p><p>Reaching back to her meld points, Spock made himself touch her face despite the terror that on one level frightened him so. Together, they rewove the threads of sanity tying his essence to his body and the voices receded. They were not real. They were not real. C'thia was not in them, nor in the shapes of the faces that had pursued his mind, making him cower in fear beneath their twisted gaze and fighting to get away, to find any safe and quiet place.</p><p>Sobbing, Spock dragged himself back to reality, and anchored himself firmly in the tendrils of sanity Miranda loaned him. With her help, he was able to process the images he'd seen of Kollos, able to re- establish the neural paths, able to ground himself once again.</p><p>When Miranda emerged, her visage was ashen but triumphant. She glanced through the door as Spock staggered forward, haggard, but quietly jubilant. He'd been through hell, and returned relatively intact.</p><p>A few hours later, after Spock had rested and meditated over his ordeal, he was again reassuring his bondmate, who had been checking in on him every few minutes. "Yes, Jim, I assure you I am all right. Dr. Jones pulled me from the madness and helped heal the seared neural pathways. Her Vulcan training held."</p><p>"Thank God. Thank Miranda. Thank Vulcan training. I'm just...relieved."</p><p>"She told me what you said to her. She said she had been blind, but she was blind no more."</p><p>"I feared I'd said too much, Spock. I thought she'd let you die because of her anger and envy, of you and me. I thought I'd lost you."</p><p>Touching fingertips to Jim's face, Spock gazed into the smoldering eyes still troubled from the pain they had seen in Spock's own. "Your words made the difference. Without them, Kollos would have rejected the mind-link with Dr. Jones. His people could not tolerate such possessiveness." Bending , in sudden bliss, he kissed the mouth of his beloved. "Kollos," he continued, "has shown me the value in joy and that it can be balanced with Surakian disciplines. It must. T'hy'la, I am gratified to be back with you."</p><p>"Spock..." Jim's embrace was fierce. "So am I. You think Miranda has learned something, then?"</p><p>"I believe so. I believe she is finally truly learning the peace the mind-link can bring. Humans often misunderstand the nature of beauty-- it is not external, it comes from within. Kollos is not ugly, Jim. His beauty is simply of a kind most humanoid minds cannot process. You believed, as Larry Marvick believed so strongly, Miranda Jones could not be happy among the Medusans because they cannot touch as we touch. Do you now understand the depth of the mind-touch? That the touching of the flesh is only one aspect of it--the weaker aspect?"</p><p>"I'm not a philosopher, Spock. I'm a soldier. But ...yes, poetry can touch me, and I guess in some ways it's the closest I can come. That and our bond. I think on some level I may never understand it entirely. I still think Miranda Jones will miss the touch of hand on hand, at least sometimes. But --well, if you and I can complete each other, maybe so can she and Kollos."</p><p>"Yes, Jim. T'hy'la. Do not fear for her, Miranda will know great joy. She will see Kollos and his people with her mind. I do not think she will miss the touch of flesh on flesh, for in time she will move beyond it, as Kollos and I would have had we stayed merged much longer."</p><p>"I'm glad you didn't; I'd miss your touch on my flesh, Spock." Jim leaned his head against the velour of Spock's science shirt for a brief moment, then straightened and sighed with contentment. "Nearly time for the rendezvous."</p><p>Jim picked up a last gift--a rose for Miranda, complete with its thorns. They'd all learned from Kollos to look beneath the surface: beauty was more than symmetry and grace, more than perfume and adornment, it was the whole package. What is good is not necessarily beautiful, and what is beautiful is not always good. Spock, who had often wandered in the mountains near his home, seeing in the harshness of the desert the beauty of his world, had grown up knowing this. Many humanoids did not understand, or did not want to, that without decay there could be no rebirth. Without night, no day. Without knowing loss, no understanding of gain.</p><p>It was the essence of c'thia. It was a lesson most of humanity had yet to learn. Blindness is relative, not to sight, but to understanding.</p><p>Miranda was learning.</p>
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